What Do You Want to Do? – The affect of “should” on my life.

I’ve heard the question “What do you want to do?” at various times in my life.  I’ve been asked by family, friends, potential employers, prognosticators, and suitors.  In a job interview, I would give the appropriate response in order to get the job.  Whenever I was asked “what do you want to do” in regards to my life, my response never wavered;  “I don’t know. I can’t feel my heart. I don’t know what my heart’s desire is. I know I want to be happy.”  Those may have been my responses but I knew what I wanted to do.  I didn’t think I could do what I wanted because it didn’t fit the accepted life models that had been set before me.

There are widely accepted beliefs on how we’re to “live” our lives.  These beliefs are generally known as “shoulds.”   We are bombarded with “shoulds” almost as soon as we leave the womb.   By the time I was 10 years old, I knew that for all the decisions I would make in my life,  it would always be a choice between “what I wanted to do” and what I believed I “should” do.  By the time I was a young adult, I no longer consciously thought about “should.”  I’d gotten so use to it’s presence that it was like breathing.  Breathing happens without our having to think about it or consciously will ourselves to do it. That’s how “should” operates in our life.  It affects our choices whether we know it or not.  That is an aspect of “should” that I wasn’t aware of but it began to reveal itself, a few weeks ago

At the beginning of October, I decided that I was going to commit to attending church on a regular basis.  I could hear my Aunt Rose saying, “You’ve got to find something to commit to. ”  I don’t remember if she used church as an example but I felt that I could commit to going to church.  I think of my church as a spiritual restaurant.  It feeds my soul.  It serves a main dish twice on Sunday and appetizers during the week.  I enjoy going.

It was Sunday the 23rd.  I’d made plans to meet a friend for lunch.  The Voice urged me to go to church so off I went.  I vaguely remembered there was going to be a guest speaking about prosperity.  Once I stepped into the book room, I was immediately guided to the speaker’s book.  I glanced through it and decided to buy it.  As I waited for service to begin, I began reading.  The speaker captured my attention and I began to wonder whether or not to cancel lunch and attend the workshop.  I vacillated on what to do.  I called my friend to see if she’d like to join me at church instead of  lunch.  She declined and urged me to stay if that’s what I wanted.  I struggled with what I wanted to do, go to lunch, and what I thought I “should” do, stay for the workshop.  I didn’t trust that my feelings were correct.  I took a walk and muscle tested to see what choice to make.  The muscle test said go to lunch.  The Voice said, “You have the book and the speaker signed it so you have her energy behind her words.  You don’t need to attend the workshop.”   I was glad I went to lunch.  It proved to be a gathering that also fed me spiritually.  I got what I needed from them both.  Everything was fine.

I had every intention of going to church the following Sunday.  I didn’t go to bed until almost 4 am so I knew that going to church would be a struggle.  Sure enough, I didn’t wake up until 9:30.  I was tired and I really didn’t “feel” like going but I felt I “should” go because of my “commitment.”  Once again, I found myself in turmoil.  Should I go or not?  I asked a pendulum if it was in my highest interest to go to church and it gave me a counter-clockwise circle.  A clockwise circle is yes.  Back and forth is no.  I’d never gotten a counter-clockwise circle so I had no idea what the heck that meant.  I asked the Universe what was going on?  In a firm yet loving tone, the Voice responded.  The following is our conversation.

Voice: “What do you want to do?

Me:  “I don’t know what I want. I can’t feel my heart.”

Voice: “What do you want to do?  It’s not about what you think you should do but what you feel like doing.  If you want to go, go.  If you don’t, don’t.” “What do you want to do?”

Me:  “I don’t know. I can’t feel my heart’s desire.”

Voice:  “How did you respond and how did it feel when you were asked if you would be interested in escorting some groups to Cuba?”

Me:  “I said yes, does a bear crap in the woods?  I felt delighted, excited, energized and hopeful that my desires were coming to fruition.”

Voice:  “Then that’s how it feels when you are choosing your heart’s desire.  How does it feel when you think of going back into the corporate world to earn a living?

Me:  “I feel sad, defeated, and non-enthusiastic.  I know that it’s not my heart’s desire.”

Voice:  “Then that’s how it feels when you choose to do something other than your heart’s desire or when you think you have to do anything other than what you want.   Now you know how to tell the difference.  When you consult a pendulum, cards, any type of oracle or muscle test it’s because what you feel like doing is in opposition to what you think you should do.  You are trying to give the responsibility of your decision to “something” else.  You don’t want to take responsibility for deciding to honor your feelings.  This life is about joy and nothing will bring you more joy then honoring yourself by doing what you want to do.  There are choices that are better than others, like not harming another or yourself with words or deeds but there is no Universal law of “should.”  That is a man-made control mechanism. ”

Me:  “But I made a commitment to go to church on a regular basis.  What about my honoring my commitment?”

Voice:  “The only commitments that you’ll ever be able to honor and uphold are the commitments you make because you want to not because you think you should.  If you committed to going to church because you wanted to, this whole episode would never have taken place because you would’ve gone no matter how you much sleep you had.”

I thought long and hard about what the Voice said.  It made a lot of sense to me.  I remember reading that “shoulds” are unenforceable rules.  We try to enforce them on ourselves and others through the emotions of guilt and shame.  I didn’t go to church that day.  I spent a lot of time thinking about the things the Voice said.  I realized that I can feel my heart.  I just didn’t recognize its yes and no.  I realized that I’ve been caught up in the trap of the “should.”  I saw the hidden element; It lurks in the shadow of our consciousness.  It comes forward in an effort to keep our spirits shackled.  It exerts its influence on every choice we make.  It has kept me from following my heart’s desire, stretching my wings, strengthening my faith and most of all trusting in the love and power of the Universal energy and force that is commonly referred to as God.  I realized that we think “shoulds” and we feel wants.

The next morning I felt the weight of the revelations I’d been given.  I use the term weight as in importance not as in burden.  I felt that the secret of how to live this life joyfully had been given to me.  I felt like I had progressed in my soul’s lessons to the point that I’d entered the phase where nothing I want is impossible, inconceivable, or unattainable.  I began to feel an inner strengthening and a sense of empowerment.  I felt blessed and grateful.

I’ve reveled in this new awareness.  “What do you want to do?” played in my head like the chorus of a popular song.  It was playing on every frequency.  I paid attention to how I felt.  I gave myself permission to go with how I feel and not how I think I “should” act, be, do or feel.  I have a greater sense of power and authority to be authentic, to be real, to be true, not only for myself but for others.

I started working some of the suggestions from the prosperity book.  I wrote goals based on what I want and one of my goals is to earn a living through creating beauty, photography, travel and writing.  I feel that I’m in the space where “all things are possible” and that I’m ready to take the next step.  That’s how I felt until the next step presented itself.

I became friends with the man that arranged our previous trips to Cuba.  He came to Chicago this week for business.  I’d laid some ground work, telling him that I know he has quite a few groups scheduled for humanitarian trips to Cuba and I wanted to know if there’s anyway I can be involved and earn some money.  I made arrangements for him to stay one evening so we could talk.  The first year I traveled to Cuba, I told him that I wanted to produce a North American tour of some Cuban dance troupes and musical artists.  That was 2 years ago.   I don’t know anything about producing or how I could make money traveling, let alone traveling to Cuba, but I do know it’s what I want to do.  With my new sense of empowerment and going with what I want to do, the Voice told me that it’s time to move forward.

Our evening went well.  We talked about a lot of things.  We caught up on each other’s life.  He’s a gifted medium so our conversation was peppered with various images he got and he asked me soulful questions.  Finally, I asked what does he need, how can I help him, earn money and travel to Cuba?  He looked me square in the eyes and with the same firm yet gentle tone as the Voice, he asked me “What do you want to do?  I was shocked into silence.  All the fears and “shoulds” overwhelmed me like a hot flash.  I couldn’t think or speak.  It was as if my brain froze.  He went on to say that he’s tired of people asking him what he wants, he wants people to come to him with ideas.  Once I got hold of my senses, we talked about my producing a tour.  Then he made a suggestion. He told me that he has a couple of groups that will be arriving in Cuba on the 5th of December and he invited me come. It will give me a chance to see how he works, help out and figure out what I want to do.  Again, I was speechless.  I would leave for Cuba on the 2nd and return on the 9th.

I’ve been processing this since Wednesday.  I am overwhelmed with everything.  Going to Cuba in 2 weeks, producing a tour and who knows what else.  My “fears” and “shoulds” were giving me every reason why I “shouldn’t” go but the Voice intervened.  It asked, “Why would you ask for what you want only to balk at the chance when given the opportunity?  Are you just blowing smoke?  Are you not sincere in your wants, your desires?

I am sincere.  I’m in some kind of suspended animation, amazed at how quickly my desires are manifesting now that I got the “shoulds” out of the way and know when my heart says yes or no. I’ll snap out of it.  I’ve got bags to pack!


About Michele

I describe myself as an "Intuitive Medium." I possess a heightened level of extra-sensory perceptive skills and I am able to communicate with "unseen" energies of consciousness. I have faced many challenges but I have been able to use these skills as tools to help me learn and grow. I think of conscious awareness as the “pause” between heartbeats. It’s a split second opportunity to be in control, to think and decide what is the appropriate response in any situation. This blog is a chronicle of my journey to living a more consciously aware, thoughtful, life.

Posted on November 11, 2011, in Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. This message is such a blessing! You are a gifted writer. In fact, you have more gifts than you realize!

  2. Colleen McCarthy

    Beautiful Michele! Inspired me and confirmed some things for me too…thank you love…

  3. Love the track your on, reminds me to listen to my voice, a thing I hear but fuss with constantly, be strong and true and put a check on that “should”, there’s a path waiting for me some where and I’m going to find it!

    • Thanks, Carline

      There’s a path for us all. We have to be willing to learn our “road” signs so we’ll be guided in the “divine” direction that is meant for us.
      I am so grateful and feel so blessed that I now know the language of my heart. There’s no stopping me now!

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