Strange Emotional Space

I was in a strange emotional space this past week.  I noticed when I woke up Tuesday morning I had a feeling of foreboding.  Not quite anxiety or fear.  By Wednesday, it was full blown.  I recognized I was experiencing emotions from an earlier time in my life.  Various images began flashing through my mind’s eye.  I realized that the images were from my 10th year of life.  It was as if I was reliving that year.  The feelings were so strong, I thought if closed my eyes I would be transported back in time.  I couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly what I was feeling because it seemed like I was feeling everything.  I knew the time of the images so I began combing through my memories.

We moved to the house in October and the images included the house, neighbors and neighborhood.  I remembered Mom taking me out on Halloween and meeting the family that would become lifelong friends and second family.  I remembered Thanksgiving dinner and Dad waiting until we finished eating to tell us that our grandmother was dying of cancer and she wouldn’t be coming back home.  I remembered my mother consoling my Dad.  He hadn’t even shared the news with her.  I remembered my oldest brother crying in the bathroom.  I remembered going to my bedroom, getting down on my knees and trying to visualize a surgery that would cure my grandmother.  I wanted to heal her and I was angry that the doctors weren’t more creative.  Grandma died December 3rd.  For years, I dreaded Thanksgiving dinner.  I was always afraid that after dinner my father was going to make a devastating announcement.  It wasn’t until decades later that I healed that wound.  None of these memories generated the same type of emotions that I was currently experiencing.

I continued remembering snippets of that year.  Again, nothing registered.  I knew that I was no longer 10 years old but I couldn’t convince my emotions that was the case.  They were determined to be noticed and acknowledged.  They were no longer hiding in my subconscious and cellular memory.  They no longer needed to play the role of the silent partner.  I wanted to resolve them as quickly as possible.  It was mentally and emotionally uncomfortable and rather disconcerting to be experiencing emotions from years earlier with such accuracy and realism that I had to consciously remind myself that I wasn’t 10.  I was frustrated that I was unable to identify the emotions and find their source.  I tried to sleep them away, self-medicating with the medicine I was taking for my sinus infection.  It didn’t work.  They were still there when I woke up.

I was feeling helpless.  I was being overwhelmed with emotions that stepped out of the shadows and grabbed my attention like a vice. I tried to think of what caused this bizarre episode.  Was it the conversation about creative people and addictions?  Was it the comment, the recovering alcoholic made, about people not wanting to feel their emotions?  Was it the workshop I just finished?  We worked on opening our heart.   Was it hormonal?  WHAT?  Why 10 years old?

Last night, I went to my brother’s for dinner.  My sister-in-law’s mother is in town.  During the evening, it was mentioned that her brother would be joining them for the weekend.  My heart skipped a beat.  I’ve had a crush on him from the first time I saw him and that was over 20 years ago.  There may have been some mutual attraction but nothing ever happened.  I want to see him but I’m not “feeling” myself right now.  I’ve got this sinus thing going on, I’m heavier than I want to be and I’m not feeling attractive.  He probably doesn’t care whether or not he sees me, right?

I woke up this morning in tears.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on until I realized that I really want to see my sister-in-law’s brother.  I just didn’t know what action to take.  I cried even harder.  I was thinking and feeling that he’s not interested in me, what’s the point, he resisted my advances.  It was through those tears that I saw the truth, the reason why I’d been experiencing my 10th year.

It was after my grandmother’s death, that I was home alone for the first time.  It was during that year that I woke up to being conscious.  I had time to hear my thoughts and feel my feelings.  I felt like an intruder, unwanted, unloved, unlovable, and rejected.  I felt alone, different, excluded, isolated and misunderstood.  That was it.  Those were all of the emotions that I’d been feeling.  I couldn’t identify one because they had been fused together for so long they were now one emotional node.  I need to heal these wounds and reframe them in order for me to see myself as “more than” instead of “less than.”  All of these years, these beliefs have been behind the scenes.  Now they’re taking center stage and I have an opportunity to rewrite the script.  It’s time for me to put them to rest and see my truth.

It fascinates me to realize how powerful emotions are and how unresolved wounds haunted my life.  I am both blessed and grateful to be open and able to take experiences like this and heal false beliefs and unresolved wounds.  It’s amazing how recognition begins the healing process.  I’m already beginning to feel better.

I now understand why this happened and the path it took.  It’s time for me to see myself differently.  I must see myself as accepted, welcomed, loved, lovable and included.

It’s time for me to get down to the business of rewriting my past so I can have a chance at the future I want.

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About Michele

I describe myself as an "Intuitive Medium." I possess a heightened level of extra-sensory perceptive skills and I am able to communicate with "unseen" energies of consciousness. I have faced many challenges but I have been able to use these skills as tools to help me learn and grow. I think of conscious awareness as the “pause” between heartbeats. It’s a split second opportunity to be in control, to think and decide what is the appropriate response in any situation. This blog is a chronicle of my journey to living a more consciously aware, thoughtful, life.

Posted on December 16, 2011, in Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I feel as if I am stuck in a time warp, too. Here it is the Holidays and I am emotionally blah! I think about my husband’s last Christmas in 2005 and how very sick he was. I think about all of our previous Christmases together … I always did all of the shopping, decorating the house and our tree. He didn’t help, but he was there! I am alone in this house and it is just not the same. I am finding it difficult to “get my act together!”

    • Bertha

      Holidays can be difficult under the best of circumstances. The Christmas holiday is filled with nostalgia. We are encouraged not only to remember but cherish the past, the traditions. You’re blessed from the standpoint that you recognize what you’re feeling and why. Remember, you have the power to determine what you want and what you want to do. Maybe you could try to create a new holiday memory. something that will turn your focus from the past to the present. Be patient with yourself. Relax and let go!

      Love & Light

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