Riding Emotional Waves

Last week I dealt with the false beliefs that had me feeling that I was unwanted, unloved, unwelcomed and an intruder.  I was determined to face them head-on.  I decided I would call my brother and invite myself over.  I saw it as an opportunity to be courageous, take action, face my fears, prove them to be false and that they were only true in my mind and heart but not in the minds and hearts of others.  Before I had a chance to take any action, my brother called and invited me over for dinner.  I was ecstatic and relieved.  The Universe was benevolent and showered me with grace.   Instead of my needing to take action, others were encouraged to act.  I took it as a sign that my recognition and acknowledgement of these long existing beliefs and emotions was the lesson I needed to learn.  No other action was required of me.  My brother’s invitation and the resulting evening demonstrated how incorrect my beliefs and feelings were.  I was overwhelmed with the beauty and simplicity of our gathering.  I was happy to be in the company of my sister-in-law’s brother as well as the rest of the family.  Like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz, those false beliefs and emotions melted away like they too had been dowsed with a bucket of water.  I went home with my heart smiling and lighter in spirit.  Little did I know that it was the beginning not the end.

By Monday, I again woke up with a foreboding feeling.  I was very disappointed, to say the least, that once again I found myself in an uncomfortable emotional state.  This time, I recognized what I was feeling.  I was feeling the pain of loss, the loss of my connection with loved ones.  All I had to do was trace the feelings to their origin.  This time, I was about 4 years old.  My great-grandfather had died.  I don’t remember how my parents explained his death.  I remember being in their bed and them standing at the foot of the bed.  I can see them talking to me but I don’t recall their words.  All I knew was one day he was there and then he wasn’t.  This was my first experience with the death of a loved one.  I don’t remember grieving or mourning his loss.  I can only conclude that these are concepts too complex for the mind and heart of a 4 year old.

I wondered why am I feeling this way now.  Am I having a premonition of someone’s death?  I found myself crying over a loss that I had yet to experience.  I wondered if I was grieving all of the losses I had experienced.

Regardless of what I did, I couldn’t shake myself free of the grip of these emotions.  I could feel the pain of loss, deep in my gut.  It felt like tears that wanted to be shed and cries that I couldn’t vocalize.  I wondered what would bring these emotions to the surface, what incident would cause me to give expression to these feelings.  No sooner than I asked the question, I got an answer.  A good friend of mine has found love and the object of her affection lives on the west coast.  I realized that if all goes well, she’ll be moving away.  The tears came and the feelings surfaced.  I was face-to-face with that feeling of loss.  I grieved the loss of her companionship, of her physical presence and proximity and possibly our connection.  I began grieving for all of my friends and family that had moved away.  Finally, I realized that what I really was grieving for was the loss of connectedness, whether a person moved away or not.

I recognized that these feelings have a direct connection to how I processed my great-grandfather’s death.  Throughout my life, I’ve had little indications of how I was affected.  I don’t need to go to a funeral and see the body in order to have closure.  When you’re gone you’re gone.  I’m okay with that.  I don’t grieve a death very much because I know that it is only a transformation from a physical energetic form to a spiritual energetic form.   I miss their physical presence but I don’t feel a loss of connectedness.  When my great-grandfather died, I loss my connection with him and that was the pain I felt.  Subconsciously, I have feared the loss of connection to my friends, family and acquaintances and I have felt the pain.  For those that moved away, I treated their relocation as if they had died, with one major exception, we lose our connection.  As much as I may have wanted to stay connected, there’s been a part of me that has believed that it wouldn’t happen.  It never occurred to me that relationships have to be sustained by all parties.  It’s not just about me keeping connected, it has to be reciprocated and it doesn’t make any difference if we live 1 or 2,000 miles apart.

I asked the Universe, how long I would experience the surfacing of repressed false beliefs and their emotional companions.  I began receiving images.  One was of a volcano erupting.  Long buried and consciously forgotten false beliefs and feelings, I had about myself in relation to others, are rising to the surface.  There’s no amount of alcohol, drugs or sleep that will quiet them or keep them buried.  They are bound and determined to be faced and dealt with.  The other image was of tsunamic waves of emotion.  Once the emotions have surfaced they are coming towards me like huge waves.  I have a choice.  I can remain on dry land and be consumed or I can get in the water and ride the waves.  I’ve chosen to ride the waves.  I have been consumed by them long enough.

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About Michele

I describe myself as an "Intuitive Medium." I possess a heightened level of extra-sensory perceptive skills and I am able to communicate with "unseen" energies of consciousness. I have faced many challenges but I have been able to use these skills as tools to help me learn and grow. I think of conscious awareness as the “pause” between heartbeats. It’s a split second opportunity to be in control, to think and decide what is the appropriate response in any situation. This blog is a chronicle of my journey to living a more consciously aware, thoughtful, life.

Posted on December 23, 2011, in Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Bravo!

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