Why Am I Holding On To This? – Let It Go!

The past two weeks have been really quiet.  There haven’t been any overwhelming emotional episodes.  As Friday, Jan 6th, approached, I began to panic because I didn’t have anything to write for the next post.  The prior emotional upheavals gave me plenty to think about and insights to share.  Now that my life had quieted down, the lessons and insights seemed to come to a halt.  It gave me the opportunity to question my motivation and commitment to writing the blog.  Though, I couldn’t answer all the whys I did know what I wanted.  I don’t want the blog to be a weekly public diary summarizing my daily life.  I want to share insights and lessons I’m learning.  I want to be an example of a person that tries to live a conscious life.  For me, that means that I am a person trying to live my life from the perspective that I am totally responsible for the quality and character of my life.  There are no accidents or coincidences.  I am not a victim but a student, learning through the experiences that arise from interacting and relating to others.  Nevertheless, I was down on myself for not having a post.  I was beating myself up pretty bad by late Saturday evening.  It was between mental beatings that I heard the Voice in a very low whisper say, “Let it go.”

Me: Let what go?

Voice: Let go of your expectations of yourself.

Me:  I’m afraid this is another project that I’ve started that I’ll lose interest in.  You know, my track record isn’t good when it comes to stick-to-itiveness.  I often have problems with following through.  I’m afraid that unless there’s some type of chaos I have to deal with that I won’t have anything to write about.  What do I write about when things are going smoothly?  I don’t want to lose my audience.  I don’t want to be judged.  I don’t want to disappoint others or myself.  I don’t want to write just anything.  Maybe it wasn’t the best idea.  

Voice:  You haven’t allowed yourself any flexibility.  You’ve put yourself in a cage.  Your desire for your blog means that you may not have something to share every week.  You’ve got to give yourself permission to be flexible and not feel that it’ll lose value.  It’ll only lose value, if you don’t value what you’re writing about, what you want to share.  If you try to force a topic it won’t be authentic, it won’t have value and your audience will sense that.  That would be the cause of you losing your audience

It hadn’t occurred to me that I had painted myself into a corner with expectations.  I hadn’t given myself permission to skip a week or two, if necessary.

Voice:  What did you learn about yourself, in the last workshop?

Me:  I don’t mind doing repetitive work as long as I enjoy what I’m doing and there’s flexibility in how I do it.  I get bored and lose interest when there’s no change.  It’s not what I’m doing but how I get to do it that’s important.

Voice:  Are you enjoying the blog?

Me:  Yes

Voice:  Maybe you need to ensure that there’s some flexibility built into the process then you won’t question your commitment and stick-to-itiveness.

I hadn’t thought about it but the Voice was correct.  I hadn’t given myself any wiggle room.  That realization brought a ton of relief.  I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders.  I never seem to give myself any wiggle room, no matter the situation or circumstance.

I always find it interesting and a little fascinating to meet my beliefs and emotions.  Here, I was given an opportunity to meet my belief in “perfectionism.”  Do you know what happens when I feel that I’ve missed the target?  I slip into the shadow of perfectionism and begin the process of emotional and mental self-flagellation.  Somewhere in my subconscious are the beliefs that:  Perfection exists, I can attain perfection no matter the task, once a plan has been set it can’t be modified, and I must meet the expectations of others (or at least what I perceive to be their expectations.)  If I don’t meet any or all of these, I have failed.  There’s no wiggle room in any of these beliefs.

I was distracted from my self-induced hell.  I felt motivated to clean out my closet.  I do this from time to time.  I go through and donate items that I no longer wear or no longer fit.  I like to look at it from this perspective:  A closet or drawer is like the subconscious, we store things in them.  When an item is no longer useful, we need to get rid of it.  First, we have to see what we’ve been storing.  We can’t get rid of what we don’t see or know about.  This time, cleaning out my closet felt a little different.  As I went through things the Voice asked, “Why are you holding on to this?”  I was surprised to realize that I was emotionally connected to a few of the items.  There were the souvenirs my parents brought me from their trips.  There were T-shirts and a beautiful white dress.  My parents went to Egypt over 15 years ago.  I don’t need to hold on to a T-shirt that no longer fits.  I found it ironic that I felt an emotional attachment to souvenirs of their trips.  I realized that what I need to keep are the memories of those trips that they shared with me.  I gave myself permission to let the items go.

As I gently folded and placed items in bags, I said my goodbyes.  I thought about how similar the past few weeks were to my cleaning out the closet.  My subconscious was filled with memories of long forgotten incidents that I was attached to emotionally.  Souvenirs of confusing and hurtful (emotionally, mentally and physically) experiences.  I needed to let them go.  As I surveyed each memory, I acknowledged its existence and I asked myself why I was holding on to it.  Once I understood, I let it go.

It was exhilarating to let go of items that no longer fit, I no longer wore or were outdated.  It felt like I was giving a physical form of expression to what I had recently experienced emotionally.  It didn’t matter whether I wore it on the outside of my body or carried it in my heart and mind.  I was letting go of all that I no longer needed in my life.

After I finished my bedroom closet, I began to tackle my craft closet.  I no longer felt obligated to keep unfinished projects that I know I’ll never complete.  I felt a rush of energy.  Unburdened from unrealistic expectations, I felt like I’d been on a crash diet.  I felt lighter.  My next goal is to go through my recipe cabinet.  I’ve got copies of recipes that I know I’m never going to cook.  I’ve got plenty of recipe books and magazines.  Plus, there’s always the internet.

I didn’t make any resolutions for the New Year.  A friend and I decided we would wait until the end of the year and then list what we accomplished.  This gives us flexibility and has more of a positive outcome.  We won’t be judging ourselves or our year based on a list of what we hoped to accomplish.  Giving myself some wiggle room, asking “Why am I holding on to this” and letting go of the unnecessary wouldn’t have made my list of resolutions.  I’m already ahead of the game.  I might have overlooked these accomplishments, had I made any resolutions.

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About Michele

I describe myself as an "Intuitive Medium." I possess a heightened level of extra-sensory perceptive skills and I am able to communicate with "unseen" energies of consciousness. I have faced many challenges but I have been able to use these skills as tools to help me learn and grow. I think of conscious awareness as the “pause” between heartbeats. It’s a split second opportunity to be in control, to think and decide what is the appropriate response in any situation. This blog is a chronicle of my journey to living a more consciously aware, thoughtful, life.

Posted on January 15, 2012, in Personal Growth & Development, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Why Am I Holding On To This? – Let It Go!.

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