You Have to Feel the Pain to Heal the Pain – Lesson in Compassion

I attended a 3 day SelfQuesting™ workshop, a couple of weeks ago.  When my friend told me about it, there was an energy behind her words that got my attention.  I was fixated.  It was enticing and inviting.  I didn’t experience the energy, when I checked out the website.  I began to wonder if I made the best decision.

It had been awhile since I heard from the Voice.  About a week before the workshop, the Voice spoke.

Voice:  You’ve got to feel the pain to heal the pain.

Me:  What?

Voice:  You’ve’ got to feel the pain to heal the pain.

I began wondering what painful episodes I would have to visit in order to heal them.  I tried to remember as many as I could.  Would it be one of them?

The first day, I questioned the workshop’s power and I wondered if it would have any impact on my life.  When I got home, I had messages from Mom and a cousin.  All of the sudden, I felt the rawness of my emotions.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I got into a tug-of-war with myself.  I know how Mom gets when I take longer to get back to her than she’s comfortable with.  The longer it took, the more anxious she would become.  I considered my options.  I could call and tell her that I didn’t feel like talking and I’d call her back later but why call to say that I didn’t want to talk?  I was making a sandwich, when it hit me.  I went down an unexpected emotional path.  I felt that my Mom’s emotional needs were supposed to be more important to me than my own and I had to choose between my needs and her’s.  I lost my appetite.  I couldn’t eat.  I took the time I needed and eventually called her.

I wanted to know why I felt that way.  What happened that led me to believe that Mom’s emotional needs were supposed to be more important to me than my own?  I recognized that I have struggled with this feeling before.  I was able to work through it all, the next day in the workshop.  I no longer questioned its power or what impact it would have on my life.

I learned how to take an issue and trace it to its root cause, to its inception.  From there, I can bring light to it, release it and any other persons involved and recover that part of myself that had been reliving the same incident ad infinitum.  Since the workshop, I’ve had the opportunity to identify and heal a few issues.  Things that use to be hot-button issues no longer have an emotional sting.  I realized that the upheaval I experienced at the end of 2011 was only the beginning.  Now that certain issues had come to light, it was time to address the ones that needed healing.  It wasn’t enough to know how I felt.  I needed to know what happened.  It’s one thing to work with managing my emotions when my buttons get pushed.  It’s another to actually disarm them.  I understood, “You have to feel the pain to heal the pain.”

I began setting intentions to heal unresolved issues.  One of the intentions was to heal the hot-button issues in my relationship with Mom.  We have a really good relationship.  She’s my treasured friend and confidant.  In spite of all that, like any relationship, we have our issues.

While addressing an issue, I usually get images.  Some are memories.  I experience them with such clarity that it is as if it is happening in that moment.  There was the day that Dad talked to us about grandma’s cancer diagnosis.  He said that he couldn’t tell us not to smoke because he smokes.  Mom interrupted him, pointing a finger at each of us, and said “Don’t smoke. Don’t smoke.  Don’t smoke.”  Some are metaphorical images that illustrate the way I feel and act.  There was an image of a courtroom with Mom on trial.  I was trying to get her to plead guilty to various charges.  It was painful to see and even more painful when I accepted that I indeed treat her in that manner.  I wanted her to be guilty, to be wrong and admit her guilt and error.  Getting the image wasn’t enough.  Like a weed, I had to get to the root to the why.  I took myself deeper.  I arrived at the point of inception.  I found the original cause and saw the truth.  I could feel the tension in my gut ease and my energy shift.  I returned to the courtroom and spoke to Mom.  I apologized for putting her on trial and for trying to force a confession out of her.  I told her that she was guilty of the assertions but not for the reasons set forth.  She was correct.  I sent her into the light.  I spoke to the fragment of myself and explained that even though her assertions were correct, Mom wasn’t guilty of the charges.  Both of them were all at once correct, innocent and guilty.  I told her it was time to leave.  I filled the room with light and let it dissolve.  Together, we returned to my consciousness.

This past Thursday, a friend invited me to join her and some others for a vacation.  Instead of being elated, I wondered what I would do with my dog.  I would be traveling with the friend that usually watched him and I knew that Mom would ask about him staying with her.

2 years ago, I adopted a rescued Yorkshire terrier.  I’ve left him with either my friend or brother.  The first time Mom asked me about leaving him with her, I felt a twinge of fear.  There was some resistance.  I wondered what it was about.  On occasion, Mom has made a comment or asked a question, that I believe indicates that she might not follow my instructions for him.  She’d probably say that she was joking but I know my Mom.  She totally adores my little guy.  I know that she wouldn’t ever do anything intentionally to hurt him.  It’s her exuberance for him that gives me pause (no pun intended.)

I recognized that one of my hot-button issues with Mom is her doing what she wants not what I have asked her to do, especially when she’s had control.  There have been times when I felt that she knowingly disregarded my wishes.  I asked myself if I thought I would feel the same resistance if it was my child, though I have no children.  I felt a deep sadness and a lot of pain when I answered yes.  How could I feel this way about Mom?  The feelings ran deep and felt like they had been around for a long time.  It wasn’t my dog’s presence that created them.  It was his presence that forced them to the surface.  There was something I needed to deal with that I may never have known about if I hadn’t gotten him.  This wasn’t about whether or not she’d over feed him or drag him all over town because “he’s just so little, cute and precious.”  It was all too painful to deal with. I avoided facing my feelings.  I didn’t want to hurt Mom’s feelings but I couldn’t ignore how I felt.  My grace period ended.

I had to confront the feelings and find out why I didn’t want to leave him with her.  The fact that I felt that way wrenched my soul.  I began to cry.  I looked at my little guy and began expressing everything I was feeling.  I told him that I didn’t trust Mom to take care of him the way that I wanted and that I was afraid he’d experience some unnecessary trauma.  I felt she was going to do what she wanted, that she always did what she wanted, regardless of how I felt.  As the words rolled from my tongue, I felt a pain that tore through me like a knife.  I was overwhelmed by my feelings, my words and the depth of the pain.  I was inconsolable.  My sobs stuck in my throat.  I couldn’t breathe.  Why did I feel this way?  I heard myself crying out, “I don’t trust her.  I don’t trust her to honor my wishes.”  Where did all of this come from?  How could I not trust Mom?  I was swept up in emotion.

Voice:  You have to feel the pain to heal the pain.

As I began to return to my senses and regain my composure, I knew that I was going to have to journey within and get to the source.  I was shaking physically and emotionally.  I had to solve the mystery.  I felt the pain and now I wanted to heal it.

I was ready, willing and able.  I set the stage.  I lit some incense, put on some essential oils, played some ambient music and sat in my zero-gravity chair.  I learned in the workshop, that among other things, digestive issues are indicative of “mother” issues.  I located the place in my body that was tense.  It was left of my navel.  I set my internal GPS for that location, closed my eyes and began my journey.

I saw myself.  Dressed in a flowing gown in shades of blue, I was a beacon, emitting a soft glow of bluish-white light.  I was floating down a long dark tunnel.  On my right were silhouettes of myself.  Some were dark shadows that seemed to have merged with the wall.  Others were illuminated, colorized 3-dimensional images.  I realized they represented times when Mom and I got into a “what I wanted” versus “what she wanted” struggle.  There was the time we struggled about how I wanted to hang the pictures on my living room wall.  I continued through the tunnel.  I was traveling back in time.  I reached my childhood.  There were the normal mother child tug-of-wars.  Eat this, wear that, because I said so, do this and do that.  I saw myself as an infant sitting on the floor near Mom’s feet.  I wanted to be picked up.  Mom is sitting in a chair.  Her head is turned but I can tell that she’s crying.  I stay with the image a little longer and realize that she is crying because she’s grieving the loss of her father.  She’s not picking me up because she’s lost in her own grief.

I found nothing out of the ordinary.  I went back through the tunnel a ways to see if I overlooked anything.  I didn’t encounter any past incident so devastating to have caused the pain I felt or the belief I held.  I checked my body and the tension in my gut was still there.  I knew that I was going to have to go deeper.  It was possible that this pain was carried over from a previous lifetime.  I believe in reincarnation and that any unresolved issues in one lifetime get carried forward until they’re resolved.  I got ready to go deeper.  I felt myself going into a free fall, like Alice down the rabbit hole.  I was falling back through time.

I landed in a lifetime where Mom was my husband.  Our marriage was for love.  I felt safe and believed that he would never hurt me.  All of that changed.  I couldn’t get a clear image of what happened but I do know that my husband took an action that was contrary to what I wanted.  I was devastated.  I felt the pain that sparked this journey.  Since the man ruled the home and the decision making, there was nothing I could do.  I pleaded with him to understand how I felt and asked him to consider my feelings.  He didn’t understand my feelings and didn’t seem to care.  He went ahead and did what he wanted.  I felt betrayed.  That was the birth of the pain and feelings that I was currently experiencing.  I never got a clear image of the time period, where we were, who died first or what the pivotal action was.  It didn’t matter.  I had gotten to the source.  What happens now?  How does this change anything?

Thoughts drifted through my consciousness.  I remember some thought drifting through and my wondering if I needed to have more compassion and understanding for Mom.  I felt the pain and tears began to flow.  What did compassion and understanding have to do with all of this?  I struggled to retrieve the thoughts that had drifted through my mind prior to the thought about compassion and understanding.  I kept reaching into my mind, trying to recover them but they were beyond my grasp.

I thought to ask a question.

Me:  What was my husband’s lesson?

Voice:  Compassion.

Me:  Did he learn his lesson?

Voice: No.  Your role was to help him learn to have compassion.

Me:  What was my lesson?

Voice:  Compassion.  You were to learn what it feels like when a person who expresses power through control has no regard for others.  In an earlier lifetime, you exercised power through control.  You had no compassion for the plights of others.

Me:  Did I learn my lesson?

Voice:  Yes.

I was transported to a dimension of knowingness that was beyond lifetimes, personalities, and forms.  I learned about power and compassion.

Power isn’t about controlling the thoughts, beliefs and actions of another.  Power exercised through control lacks compassion.  True Power is the ability to affect change through inspiration not intimidation.  True Power wields compassion not a sword.

Many believe that they have to understand; have knowledge of or comprehend, the needs of another in order to have compassion for them.  Compassion is based solely on ones’ desire for the wholeness and happiness of another and the willingness to help them achieve that.  Compassion is neither controlling nor judgmental.  Nor is it about taking care of or taking over.  Compassion is about supporting the growth of another.  Compassion isn’t something that has to be earned.  It is to be given freely.  Compassion isn’t sympathy, empathy or pity (feeling sorry.)  Pity involves some form of judgment.  Sympathy requires the sharing of similar beliefs and/or experiences.  Empathy is based on one’s ability to imagine them self in a hypothetical situation.

I returned to the couple and made myself known.  I explained that it was time to stop reliving this episode.  I sent the husband into the light.  I took my fragment by the hand and returned to the present.

I felt relieved.  The tension in my gut had eased and I felt no emotional sting.  My perspective changed.  Things became clearer.  I saw how Mom and I have been playing out a variation of that old drama.  I saw that I have been trying to help her learn the lesson in compassion.  I understood why I have chided her, at times, for not being more compassionate especially when it came to Dad.  I understood why she always wants to be in control.  The pain from that lifetime has slowly begun to dissolve.  I don’t know if anything was resolved but I do know that the mystery was solved.  I know where that deep pain and feelings came from and that helps.  I don’t know how all of this will affect our relationship or what I’ll do with my dog.  I’m curious to find out.


About Michele

I describe myself as an "Intuitive Medium." I possess a heightened level of extra-sensory perceptive skills and I am able to communicate with "unseen" energies of consciousness. I have faced many challenges but I have been able to use these skills as tools to help me learn and grow. I think of conscious awareness as the “pause” between heartbeats. It’s a split second opportunity to be in control, to think and decide what is the appropriate response in any situation. This blog is a chronicle of my journey to living a more consciously aware, thoughtful, life.

Posted on February 11, 2012, in Personal Growth & Development, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Once again, Michele, the timing of your message here is right on for me. uncanny actually. i love your insights. thank you sister and love you!

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