Category Archives: Spirituality

Endings and Beginnings

I was so glad when October arrived.

September really kicked my ass. This “9” month in this “9” year really lived up to the archetype; endings and consciousness.

I can intuitively sense when something is looming on the horizon or I may begin to notice signs or clues.  I can’t always pinpoint exactly how my life is going to be affected but I know something is about to surface.  There have been uneventful Septembers. There have been Septembers when I have uncovered life changing information that brought some type of conclusion or ending.  The irony is I often wasn’t aware I was engaged in something I needed to stop doing and bring to an end. This September was one for my record books.

As September approached, I wasn’t thinking about endings or what spiritual lesson(s) I might complete. I was thinking about my nephew’s upcoming visit.  I was asking myself, “Why do I, once again, feel like I’m stuck and can’t move forward?”  I was thinking about the physical pain I began experiencing after an August mini movement workshop and how it had never been this bad or lasted this long.  I planned on attending another workshop in early September. I didn’t think I would be able to do a 4-day 6 hour /day movement workshop, dancing at least 4 of those 6 hours. I got still and quiet and went within.  I intuitively knew the pain was connected to some personal issue that would surface during the upcoming workshop. This time the “issue” was making itself known through intense physical pain versus the usual series of emotions and/or thoughts. I regressed through my memories scanning my life looking for any event(s) that may have caused an initial injury.  I remembered two occasions and both involved a family member.  I knew I had to do the workshop, pain or no pain.

I wasn’t disappointed.  Day 1, the excruciating pain seemed to melt away. I moved around the floor with the greatest of ease. Pain free, I intuitively knew the physical pain was symbolic of emotional pain.  Whether or not I knew it, I was in deep emotional pain and it was time to bring it to conscious awareness to deal with and let go. Day 2 started with a thought popping into my mind as I caught a glimpse of another person’s dance; “I don’t want to be big.”  I had no idea where that came from.  A few moments later, the thought completed itself; “I don’t want to be big. I want to be small.” It sounded a bit like Peter Pan yet I could feel that it wasn’t about “growing up” but about “being big.”   Later the same day, while talking with another dancer, I commented that I was uncomfortable “exposing” myself and my life on social media.   By the following morning, I knew I had to follow these thoughts and feelings and uncover how and why they came to my mind. Somehow, the physical pain, thoughts and feelings were connected.

In the days and weeks since the workshop, I searched my past looking for explanations.  I started with the obvious.  I grew up in an apartment building with, at one point, 4 generations of my mother’s family.  I was the youngest in my immediate family and the “family.”  I needed to dig deeper.  I gave my subconscious permission to release the memories I needed to recall.  It was important to understand why I thought “I don’t want to be big, I want to be small” and why I felt uncomfortable “exposing” myself on social media.

Like breadcrumbs, I followed my emotions and thoughts. I repeated “I don’t want to be big. I want to be small.” over and over going deeper and deeper into my subconscious memories. I kept going back through time and space until I encountered a memory that elicited an emotional response equal to what I felt when I repeated “I don’t want to be big. I want to be small.” As the distance memories bubbled to the surface, the painful emotional reaction(s) and corresponding thoughts revealed themselves. I acknowledged them without judgment.  They were there and very real.  I created them and gave them life. It was time to listen to what they had to say.

I cried as I remembered each event, how I felt, and the thought(s) I used to make sense of it. I cried as I came face-to-face with the “belief” I created about myself and my “relationship” to others in order to cope.  Let me just say, I did a whole lot of crying. As the self-investigation progressed, I encountered beliefs that have influenced my perception and actions since childhood. I carried them forward, hiding in my subconscious and affecting my life. I was able to answer questions I’ve been asking myself for years. Upon closer examination, the beliefs were feared based and limiting in nature.

Once I felt all relevant memories had been retrieved, I categorized the beliefs.  They boiled down to the following fears:  Rejection (not being accepted, invited, liked, loved and welcomed,) Ridicule (being teased, criticized and judged,) Not measuring up (not good enough, smart enough, capable, or desirable,) Being seen (being victimized) and Not being seen (being ignored or overlooked).  I was shocked.  To realize and accept I’ve been looking through the eyes and re-experiencing the slights (real or perceived) of a “hurt little Michele” was overwhelming.

Transformation is a process.  It will take time for me to come to terms with all of this. Now “my” truth is revealed, I can begin the work to “heal” the wounds. I’ve begun to feel calmer, freer, hopeful, lighter, powerful and strong.  I agree with the statement “knowledge is power.”  The more I know and understand about myself the more power I have to control how I choose to respond to life versus reacting to life and having no control.

Yes, September signaled an ending and with endings come beginnings. I have a new perspective and outlook. Soon, this part of my past will no longer get in the way of my present and my future.  It’s time to get to work.

Neither Less Than Nor Greater Than But Equal Too!

Castillo del Morro

Freedom

Some stories are told as they unfold and others are told after they end.  I chose to wait until I arrived at logical point in the story.  It hasn’t ended yet.

I don’t know what it is about the month of May but for the past couple of years, it seems to be the month that begins some type of life lesson.  It’s been almost a year since my life took an unexpected turn.  For my Ego, it was unexpected.  For my Soul, nothing is unexpected.  Everything was and is as it should be.  Just because I have no conscious awareness of the reason(s) why, it doesn’t mean that anything in life is ever truly unexpected.

I am an Intuitive.  There are pros and cons to being a sensitive.  One of the cons is that I can see the dynamics at work in other people’s life with greater clarity than I sometimes have with my own life.  Some of the pros are I have never questioned the existence of a life other than this physical one and I have a different perspective, hence the title of this blog, on the reason for this life that we are experiencing.  That being said, whenever I find life presenting an unexpected challenge the questions I ask myself are; What lesson(s) is this situation presenting and how can my Soul grow through this experience. This perspective gives me the wherewithal to allow the process to unfold and reveal to me the lesson(s) to be learned.  My intuitive skills do not enable me to sail through life unscathed.  This past year had me questioning my own perception skills and why they seemed to fail me. My perspective gives me strength while I seem to be lost in my Ego’s confusion and it was a powerful tool in dealing with this past year.  As time moved on, I was shown why my skills “seemed” to fail me and what streams of consciousness needed to be changed. Read the rest of this entry

Subtleties Can Have a Profound Impact

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since my last post.  Almost immediately after the last post, the Voice spoke.

Voice:  It’s time for you to start applying what you’ve learned.  You could continue writing about profound revelations but it’s time for you to apply some of that “enlightened” knowledge to your life. 

That wasn’t what I expected to hear but with any course of study, sooner or later you’re going to take a test.  I had no idea how to apply all that had been revealed or where to begin.  I was scared.  Slowly, the Universe presented opportunities for me to apply what I learned.

One day, I was feeling sad, for no apparent reason.  Tears began to fall.  Images of my teenage years flashed through my mind.  I remembered how much fun I had hanging with my friends, riding bikes, playing cards and my first boyfriend.  I realized, I was feeling sad because of having to “let go” of my past.  I felt that I’d no longer have a connection to who I was.  The “new” me would have no connection to those memories.  I was confused.  I had no idea why I believed that applying these new insights would require me to leave fond memories behind.  I felt I had to disconnect from all that I use to be and did.  I was drowning in a sea of sadness.  As my tears continued to fall, I heard the Voice.

Voice:  You don’t have to let go of all of your memories.  You only need to let go of your past.

Me:  I don’t understand.  How do I let go of my past and still hold on to my memories?  Aren’t they one and the same?

Voice:  The past is continually being created.  Every millisecond creates a past.  Memories are mental records of past events.  You don’t have to let go of fond memories.  They created happy and comforting thoughts and emotions.  You are being asked to let go of the negative emotions and thoughts created by some past events.  It’s a subtle but important distinction.  You may or may not remember those past events.   Read the rest of this entry

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