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Subtleties Can Have a Profound Impact

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 3 months since my last post.  Almost immediately after the last post, the Voice spoke.

Voice:  It’s time for you to start applying what you’ve learned.  You could continue writing about profound revelations but it’s time for you to apply some of that “enlightened” knowledge to your life. 

That wasn’t what I expected to hear but with any course of study, sooner or later you’re going to take a test.  I had no idea how to apply all that had been revealed or where to begin.  I was scared.  Slowly, the Universe presented opportunities for me to apply what I learned.

One day, I was feeling sad, for no apparent reason.  Tears began to fall.  Images of my teenage years flashed through my mind.  I remembered how much fun I had hanging with my friends, riding bikes, playing cards and my first boyfriend.  I realized, I was feeling sad because of having to “let go” of my past.  I felt that I’d no longer have a connection to who I was.  The “new” me would have no connection to those memories.  I was confused.  I had no idea why I believed that applying these new insights would require me to leave fond memories behind.  I felt I had to disconnect from all that I use to be and did.  I was drowning in a sea of sadness.  As my tears continued to fall, I heard the Voice.

Voice:  You don’t have to let go of all of your memories.  You only need to let go of your past.

Me:  I don’t understand.  How do I let go of my past and still hold on to my memories?  Aren’t they one and the same?

Voice:  The past is continually being created.  Every millisecond creates a past.  Memories are mental records of past events.  You don’t have to let go of fond memories.  They created happy and comforting thoughts and emotions.  You are being asked to let go of the negative emotions and thoughts created by some past events.  It’s a subtle but important distinction.  You may or may not remember those past events.   Read the rest of this entry

You Have to Feel the Pain to Heal the Pain – Lesson in Compassion

I attended a 3 day SelfQuesting™ workshop, a couple of weeks ago.  When my friend told me about it, there was an energy behind her words that got my attention.  I was fixated.  It was enticing and inviting.  I didn’t experience the energy, when I checked out the website.  I began to wonder if I made the best decision.

It had been awhile since I heard from the Voice.  About a week before the workshop, the Voice spoke.

Voice:  You’ve got to feel the pain to heal the pain.

Me:  What?

Voice:  You’ve’ got to feel the pain to heal the pain.

I began wondering what painful episodes I would have to visit in order to heal them.  I tried to remember as many as I could.  Would it be one of them?

The first day, I questioned the workshop’s power and I wondered if it would have any impact on my life.  When I got home, I had messages from Mom and a cousin.  All of the sudden, I felt the rawness of my emotions.  I felt exposed and vulnerable.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I got into a tug-of-war with myself.  I know how Mom gets when I take longer to get back to her than she’s comfortable with.  The longer it took, the more anxious she would become.  I considered my options.  I could call and tell her that I didn’t feel like talking and I’d call her back later but why call to say that I didn’t want to talk?  I was making a sandwich, when it hit me.  I went down an unexpected emotional path.  I felt that my Mom’s emotional needs were supposed to be more important to me than my own and I had to choose between my needs and her’s.  I lost my appetite.  I couldn’t eat.  I took the time I needed and eventually called her.

I wanted to know why I felt that way.  What happened that led me to believe that Mom’s emotional needs were supposed to be more important to me than my own?  I recognized that I have struggled with this feeling before.  I was able to work through it all, the next day in the workshop.  I no longer questioned its power or what impact it would have on my life.

I learned how to take an issue and trace it to its root cause, to its inception.  From there, I can bring light to it, release it and any other persons involved and recover that part of myself that had been reliving the same incident ad infinitum.  Since the workshop, I’ve had the opportunity to identify and heal a few issues.  Things that use to be hot-button issues no longer have an emotional sting.  I realized that the upheaval I experienced at the end of 2011 was only the beginning.  Now that certain issues had come to light, it was time to address the ones that needed healing.  It wasn’t enough to know how I felt.  I needed to know what happened.  It’s one thing to work with managing my emotions when my buttons get pushed.  It’s another to actually disarm them.  I understood, “You have to feel the pain to heal the pain.”

I began setting intentions to heal unresolved issues.  One of the intentions was to heal the hot-button issues in my relationship with Mom.  We have a really good relationship.  She’s my treasured friend and confidant.  In spite of all that, like any relationship, we have our issues.

While addressing an issue, I usually get images.  Some are memories.  I experience them with such clarity that it is as if it is happening in that moment.  There was the day that Dad talked to us about grandma’s cancer diagnosis.  He said that he couldn’t tell us not to smoke because he smokes.  Mom interrupted him, pointing a finger at each of us, and said “Don’t smoke. Don’t smoke.  Don’t smoke.”  Some are metaphorical images that illustrate the way I feel and act.  There was an image of a courtroom with Mom on trial.  I was trying to get her to plead guilty to various charges.  It was painful to see and even more painful when I accepted that I indeed treat her in that manner.  I wanted her to be guilty, to be wrong and admit her guilt and error.  Getting the image wasn’t enough.  Like a weed, I had to get to the root to the why.  I took myself deeper.  I arrived at the point of inception.  I found the original cause and saw the truth.  I could feel the tension in my gut ease and my energy shift.  I returned to the courtroom and spoke to Mom.  I apologized for putting her on trial and for trying to force a confession out of her.  I told her that she was guilty of the assertions but not for the reasons set forth.  She was correct.  I sent her into the light.  I spoke to the fragment of myself and explained that even though her assertions were correct, Mom wasn’t guilty of the charges.  Both of them were all at once correct, innocent and guilty.  I told her it was time to leave.  I filled the room with light and let it dissolve.  Together, we returned to my consciousness. Read the rest of this entry

Mercury Retro What?

Must Be A Mercury Retrograde!

"Mercury Retrograde"

This past week was intense.  I dealt with many distinctly different personalities.  It was an exercise in acceptance, flexibility and patience.  My skills in customer service, diplomacy and management came in real handy.  The Mercury retrograde and yesterday’s eclipse definitely played a major role in the chaos.  I am usually cautious and prepared for a retrograde, in order to minimize the effect on my life.  This time I was neither cautious nor prepared.

I first learned about astrology from my maternal grandmother.  I was 10 years old, crying on her shoulder, telling her how I felt that neither my brothers nor my father really loved me.  She suggested that I get an astrology book to learn about my personality traits (as defined by my time and place of birth) and those of my brothers and father.  She told me the story about my aunt (deceased long before my birth) coming home after attending a seminar on astrology and sharing what she learned.  My grandmother read the book my aunt had and was impressed with the accuracy of the information.  She became a believer in this science.  She read books on the subject and even subscribed to a monthly magazine. My grandmother was an open-minded woman for her day and age. Read the rest of this entry

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